Thursday, August 12, 2004

Random Stuff #1 Feelings and Other Stuff.

Is it just me or do many of us guy's seem to have problems discussing what we are feeling are we afraid of exposing the dark and gloomy depths of our souls and mind the insecurities and weaknesses we hide? Afraid of expose that which is "weak" and "pitiful" to our friends and families? Afraid that our core self would scare and disturb our friends and families?

Why I wonder for we cannot grow and strengthen with out light, some of us put our hope in God then refuse to open up to those he may/or has sent to help us, other bury it deep and let it fester and grow changing us and affecting our actions and interactions with our fellow beings and God.

I note this seems "some what" less of a problem among those of the fairer sex, Why?

Why do we have this tendency to close up and keep our deepest and darkest thoughts, our problems and troubles to our selves struggling to fight a war we can not win for we fight for both sides divided against our selves.

We call on God for help and allow him to help us in many ways but bits we keep to our selves rejecting God and his will in those areas, Why? With time and growth in faith and knowledge of God we open up more allowing God more control, but few if any can give up total control and honestly admit that God controls every facet and corner of there soul, body and actions.

Is it cultural I wonder? Spiritual for sure. Genetic? Nature vs Nurture?

Is it innately human? For Adam and Eve displayed it in the garden to some extent listening to the serpent and eating the fruit of there own choice failing to consult with God even though they new what they did was wrong. Was the sin eating the fruit? Or in the rejection of God in considering to eat the fruit?

Faith, faith in God and the Chance some perhaps if it still matters at that time to face/bow before God in heaven above and ask, Why oh Lord?

This rambles but thoughts would be welcome on all the questions for I doubt we know the answer to many of them.

- Does the ability or the ease in discussing feelings differ between Male and Female?
- If so why, what causes this difference, Culture, Genetics, Nature or Nurture?
- The Spiritual and interpersonal problems this can cause?
- What can be done about it? By our selves and with God?
- Finally should we attempt to open up our feelings and thoughts more to others and if there is a difference between males and females is it beneficial to smudge the differences in this area?

Again any other "Whys" are free to be talked about if you wish and have the time.

Thanks and God Bless.


Nathan said...

I had a lecture on gender differences this morning, and one of the quite robust findings is that females to tend to talk about and be more open about their intimate relationships than guys, so yeah, I think its a common pattern.

That said, this doesn't mean that all guys don't talk about their feelings, nor that all girls are completely honest. Its quite concievale that a fair chunk of guys are more open than the average girl, and a fair chunk of girls are less open than the average guy. So the phenomenon of not being open can apply to girls.

With regard to your last question (and possibly the third), I don't believe there is any point in just being open to change a gender difference - to me that sounds feminisit - declaring war on something just because it shows guys and girls are different. If we are to change something, we should do it with a good reason.

So, I am not going to go round telling everyone that I currently like hypothetical girl x, and that I'm being stalked by hypothetical girls y and z, because its just pointless. But, when I do need advice about girl x (which is really quite frequent), I shouldn't hesitate to talk to my friends about it. Taking it from girls to other issues is harder, but necessary.

(apologies for taking the intimate relationships perspective, I think there are good parallels.)

Mike said...

I would just like to say that I concur.

To steal an idea from the classic text - Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -

Women live on Venus in pink girly dormitories, while Men live on mars in scody caves. The men go out and hunt, and cook the meat over an open fire outside their cave. If they are feeling especially social, they spread the word around that they are having a BBQ at so-and-so's cave. Those who turn up do, and those who don't, don't.

Should any Man have any sort of problem, rather than inviting other men over to help sort it, the men go and shut themselves in their cave, and roll a big stone across it with a sign on it "Go Away".

Women on the other hand do exactly the opposite. They immediately call up all of their girlfriends and order several large tubs of double-chocolate icecream. They all sit around in their dormitories eating icecream and generally agreeing how much Men suck.

I know that this is a gross generalisation, but come on guys - how many of us have caves we go and hide in?

Another classic story I heard:

Two guys were working on a building site: Bob and Trev. Bob was married and had a kid, with another on the way. Trev was married but there was a lot of tension in the air, and he had moved out for the weekend. The whistle goes, and the two sit down for lunch.

Bob: "Hey Trev"
Trev: "Hey Bob"
----- Silent munching of sandwiches -------
Bob notices Trev is looking a bit down, but doesn't call attention to it.----- More sandwich Munching -------
Bob: "So, how's life?"
Trev: "Not so good aye"
Bob: "Oh, How's that?"
Trev: "Oh, you know....the Missus"
Bob: "Oh..."
Both Trev and Bob gaze out into the middle distance----- Munching resumes ------

The men then get back to work. They both come back the next day. The whistle goes again for lunch.

Bob: "Hey Trev"
Trev: "Hey Bob"
----- Silent munching of sandwiches -------
Trev: "Thanks for the other day.... you know.... *gruntmumblemissus*"
Bob: "No worries mate, hey did you see the rugby?"
----- "Munching continues with animated discussion about Carlos Spencer and how Rugby isn't what it used to be back in the days of "Buck" and "Pinetree".------

Come on guys - we all know it. We hate sharing feelings. It is just something that doesn't come naturally to us....

michelle said...

heh heh.. great analogies Mike =)
Like any good man, i have my cave, except that my sign doesnt read 'go away' it reads 'im feeling fine'...
perhaps thats what girls do sometimes? Also i think it often appears that we talk about everything when we dont always. A lot of the time we're talking about stuff that isnt the real issue bugging us, just to take the attention away from that. In case that didnt make much sense, heres an eg
Im having problems with er (insert hypothetical problem) um.. liking Renwick, a guy, but im also incredibly upset about losing my job. So when the girls and i get together, we talk about Renwick, cos its an issue i can handle, rather than the job one - something that is really shaking me up.

I can't really answer any of your questions, Chad... not being one of those females who opens up about seriously affecting herself issues. But, my mother doesnt like to talk about feelings and stuff, even with my father... so i can see how that could affect a marriage - perhaps if women are generally more open than men, they could feel shut out when their man's going through problems yet doesnt tell them.
Ive read Men are from Mars, and other such books, which appear to take the stance that its a result of Nature vs.nurture - that boys are conditioned from a young age to not cry, be staunch, and control their feelings.
Just a thought that occured to me - im not sure if its that related- but you have, say, Girlfriend, Dolly, Cleo, B, all these girl magazines for teens and 20somethings, urging girls to share their feelings, have girlyfriends, go to counsellors when things get tough, but you dont have any such magazines for fellas.

Argh... i dont really know....
But i do like what you said about those of us who put out hope in God when we're going through the tough times, yet neglect those he's put around us to help us through. God is awesome, but he's not the only one we can open up to!!
Actually... i was thinking - i like it when boys dump on me! makes you feel special for being let into the manliness zone! Do boys confide more in girls than they do in other boys?

Mike said...

I think you've hit the nail on the head there 'Chelle. Personally - thats *exactly* what I do. For some reason I am more comfortable talking to female-friends about stuff I am dealing with than talking to guys about it.

Perhaps it is because sharing feelings is construed amongst guys as a sign of weakness. Weakness doesnt go down well in classic "manly circles". I know I am being completely erroneous when I apply this to my circles of male friends, and I know they'd be more than happy to help out, but it still feels strange.

If you wanted to get all freudian about it - perhaps males are subconsciously competing against each other. By admitting they have feelings of any sort puts them at a disadvantage, because all the other male has to do is deny, and then they have "one-up" on you....

Maybe I am not making any sense at all. I guess if I wanted to sum up my argument in a couple of sentances:

Guys don't like making themselves vulnerable to things/people they see as a threat. Women (on the whole) are generally not threatening, and thus men feel more comfortable talking to them rather than other guys.

michelle said...

that sounds very very true!
Also females have the whole mothering instinct built in, and generally feel compassion for someone elses hurt, and actually want to hug and talk and comfort them, whereas perhaps there is more of an effort for guys to be nurturing??

Anyway, i think you've been spending too much time talking to Sam :P he's always going on about Freud, heh heh!

Fraser Dron said...

Hm, I'm not sure where I stand on that whole men-can't-share-their-feelings-but-women-can thing. Personally, I'm not afraid to talk about my feelings, hopes and fears and so on; my problem is not getting close enough to people to actually talk on that level. In fact, I'm going to go with Mike's (stolen from Michelle) idea from cell group last night, and start looking for another dude to be accountable to.

Ruth said...

I think that girls do definitely talk about feelings more but I agree with Michelle that sometimes we talk aobut other stuff that seem like issues but aren't really important (like guys) rather than what is actually going on.

EONsim said...

Yeah It's interesting I "think" I'd probably be more comfortable talking to a gal than another guy. Not sure though as I don't talk about that sort of suff ever! I simply don't allow anyone to get that close I think, which is probably not the most "health" thing in the world to do.

Katherine said...

Hmm, well, all I came to say was please feel free to check out my new blog at, but since we're talking about feelings and all, perhaps I'd better dig a little deeper and try and be honest about the real issues: I feel really bothered by the way you never look at my blog. And don't go telling me you didn't know it was there, or that I only just made it tonight, I'm just saying this is how I feel. Don't try and be rational with me...
...hmm, nope, not working for me. Apologies. But do visit my blog, 'kay?

EONsim said...

lol done.