Friday, February 27, 2009

I attempt to write a manual for understanding my personaility

After an interesting 3 way discussion deriving from Christina's Shout vs Split culture post and how that links into dating etc. And then an interesting discussion on egos and so forth that generated some interesting questions and thoughts.

Any way ended up thinking/discussion a lot about my personality, so here are a few thoughts.

First up thinking about the underling basis or belief in my personality I'd say that for me it is:
  • "I'm nothing, but that won't stop me" (negative and chaotic)
  • While the underlying drive is a "love and desire for knowledge".
  • Mixed with a Darwinian idea of the survival of the fittest.

As a result I spend far to much time thinking about things and thinking about thinking. Which means I fall prey to the trap of trying to determine all possible out comes especially for social interactions.
I think I know my self quite well and can model and determine my own actions in advance, but when it comes to trying to work out what others are thinking/feeling. That while I can empathise with there emotions i.e. feel others pain physical or emotional. I have problems working out the cause and am unable to interact with out some knowledge of the cause.
I must know something or I will not act in fear of making it worse. As a result I try to work out what they're thinking but hit a problem that I don't understand or know their underling biases, unlike for my self. Thus I'm forced to start extrapolating which when combined with the underling idea of "I'm nothing" leads to such thoughts heading in negative directions, trying to plan and work out ways of dealing with everything that could go wrong or has gone wrong.

With all the extrapolation needed for this I end up being locked up mentally, frozen and unable to interact. Thankfully and I suspect the only reason I don't get depressed is the rather chaotic ability to mentally go "stuff this" and to stop thinking about it. This doesn't mean I'll act it simply means I will stop worrying about it at least for a while and stop digging my self an ever deeper mental hole which could potentially lead to depression.

As such when I aim to change my self these underling biasis and drives combine, I think I see/understand far too well the many elements that make me up and how they all interact. The result being that I have problems working out what or where I should start making changes. While at the same time there is the knowledge that I have missed something and thus this internal model of how I think, could/is wrong and thus any changes based on it may fail. It doesn't stop me from changing (after all I'm still somewhat chaotic) but it does massively slow me down and makes most changes to be very deliberate actions or spontaneous events with no apparent reason behind them.

I guess that that is the delight and curse of having a personality that finds examining it's self interesting and an intellect that is capable of allowing me to do so, along with a mixed negative and chaotic basis.

As a result I've always been my own worst critic, and that while I can be hurt to a fair degree by others opinions of me. What I think they think of me is usually worse than what they actually think of me, leading me to often be pleasantly surprised, if highly suspicious that they may be faking it.
I guess that also feeds in to those silly love languages, where my prefered one is "Quality time". This may possibly be partly because I enjoy spending time with people being a social animal (as in the scientific use of the term) and also partly becuase the more time I spend with some one, the better I can model them mentally and the more I'll be able to understand them (this increasing my knowledge, my primary drive).
Touch then comes second becuase if it is either deliberate or unconscious, there is likely some meaning behind it in that one way it's a delibrate choice while the other it is being comfortable enough that it is not something to be worried about. Still if I have any suspicion that it is being used for some other reason, a tease or joke I can't stand it.
Then all the others come because to me they're meaning less and it's far to hard to tell if there as any particular reason behind it or if it's a conscious lie or illusion on the others part.

Damn this post has ended up longer than I thought. So there you have it a fragment of a possible manual to understanding a part of my personality, and I won't go into the Darwinian aspects this time.

What I'm curious about is:
  • What are other peoples underling biases and primary drives? Are they like me "I'm nothing but that isn't going to stop me", just "I'm nothing", "I'm cool" or "I'm perfect" or some thing completely different.
  • And what about your primary drives is it "knowledge", "relationships" of one of the many other possibilities.
Please I'd love to hear from you.

After all the more I learn, the better and the more I can stick in my internal models of people :P

Oh and here is a cat picture and a sunset becuase I like these photos

Sphinx - Watcher of Sunsets

Sunset - Out The Car Window